Trust is earned through repeated right behavior over a period of time. Once trust is broken, whether intentionally or not, it takes time and intentionality to rebuild it. The person who breaks trust often asks, “Can’t you just forgive me?” This question is typically undergirded by a motive to avoid pain, guilt, and shame. When a person feels these overwhelming emotions, they can be a motive for lasting change.
Trust involves both forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness can be a one-way street. According to Evertte Worthington’s research, forgiveness is two-pronged. Reconciliation takes both parties to engage in the repair process.
Forgiveness
- Decisional Forgiveness: “Involves deciding to forgive a personal offense and letting go of angry and resentful thoughts and feelings toward the person who has wronged you.”
- Emotional Forgiveness: “Involves replacing the negative emotions with positive feelings like compassion, sympathy, and empathy.”
Worthington’s research shows that decisional forgiveness can be immediate, but emotional forgiveness takes longer, like repeatedly painting over a red spot that shows through white paint. The process of emotional forgiveness does not mean one has not forgiven, but one has emotions that need to be managed. The statement, “To forgive is to forget,” is a myth. Remembering is evidence that you are human and your brain is working. With time, the pain of memory will not control and overwhelm you.
Reconciliation: Reconciliation involves two people who are willing to commit to the long road of rebuilding trust. There is no reconciliation with someone unwilling to own their hurtful and wrong behavior and validate the pain of the person wronged. John and Julie Gottman, creators of Gottman Relational Institute, say relation repair after infidelity involves three stages:
- Atonement: The one who has broken trust must accept faults, try to make amends, and make up for their wrongdoing. This journey takes time, and patience is required.
- Attunement: A mutual desire and ability to understand and respect your partner’s inner world. Vulnerability is required.
- Attachment: Deep conversations about each other’s sexual needs
There is no yellow-brick road that leads to the restoration of trust. whether the broken trust involves emotional, financial, or spiritual betrayal, a good framework for rebuilding trust is the following the acronym: TAMPS
T: Tell the truth
A: Apologize/ask for forgiveness
M: Make amends/reparations
P: Patience; change is an ongoing process. Applaud progress. Do not expect perfection.
S: Stay honest when you fail, own it, and do not minimize, blame, or deny (gaslight)
If you need help with relational repair, contact Julia Henderson at Lifework at 601-790-0583.
