The family of origin is the foundational building block of our relationships. Focus on The Family-Canada, a global Christian ministry dedicated to helping families thrive, says about Family of Origin, “It refers to the family we were raised in, encompassing our immediate family members (typically parents and siblings) and the environment that shaped our early development. It is the primary source of nurturing and socialization during our formative years.” Family of origin is where we first learn about the world, develop our identity, and acquire essential life skills, including relational languages. So, when I hear someone say, “This is just the way I am,” I begin a gentle process of finding out, “Who taught you to be this way?” When we learn a dysfunctional childhood language, we can also learn its counterpart language. To learn a new language, it takes awareness and intentionality under the compassionate umbrella, ‘practice makes progress, not perfect.’
Languages Learned in the Family of Origin
Language is a critical component of how we interact and communicate with each other. The languages we learn in our family of origin go beyond the boundary of spoken words; they include non-verbal communication and emotional expression. Here are four key languages learned in a family of origin:
-Verbal Language
-Nonverbal Language
-Emotional Expression
-Conflict Resolution
1. Verbal Language
Verbal communication is the basic form of language learned in the family of origin is verbal communication. Research shows that we learn to speak as young children by listening to our caregivers and mimicking their speech patterns. The vocabulary, tone, and dialect used within our family become the foundation of our spoken language. A December 19, 2023, article in the Yale Ledger, a Weekly Student Magazine, calls this type of language learning “emersion because you get to practice speaking and listening to the language on a daily.” (The Top Reasons Why You Should Volunteer Abroad to Learn a New Language. – ZainView. https://zainview.com/the-top-reasons-why-you-should-volunteer-abroad-to-learn-a-new-language/) For example, growing up in a small country town in Alabama, I inherited a hint of my mother’s Southern accent. I often enjoy recalling her localisms. My clients from my mother’s generation are surprised when I understand phrases in ‘their language.’ For example, it was a connecting moment with my Client when I could relate to growing up on ‘commodities’ (a term for government food assistance.)
2. Non-verbal communication
We also learn non-verbal communication within our family of origin, including body language, facial expressions, and gestures. Kendra Cherry, MSEd.in an article in VerywellMind, says,”. . .body language may account for as much as 80% of all communication.” As children, we observe how family members use facial cues and body gestures to convey emotions and intentions, and we begin to incorporate them into our interactions. Over time, we may notice that we have adopted our parent’s mannerisms. I see similar hand movements in three family generations: my husband, our sons, and our oldest grandson. These hand movements were not ‘intentionally taught but caught.’
3. Emotional Language
The family of origin plays a pivotal role in teaching us how to understand and express emotions. Whether the template is healthy or unhealthy, how our family members communicate or fail to communicate their feelings instructs the emotional language we learn. For instance, my mother, though loving and generous, tended to be harsh when emotionally overwhelmed. My mom’s learned emotional language influenced my approach to emotional expression. I recall promising to communicate more tenderly with my children when I became a parent, especially since I had been deeply discipled in my Christian faith. I increasingly understand that my faith does not automatically erase the family of origin pictures my brain took in childhood. Nor does it give me a spiritual bypass to deny, ignore, or overcompensate for my emotions. It takes intentional participation in transformational efforts to change a learned childhood emotional expression framework. With help from marital and individual therapists and education on a child’s brain development, I better understand that ‘spilled milk’ is a normal part of muscle development and that repeating things to a small child is how they learn. A child tends to learn more quickly when not under the duress of shame or unrealistic expectations. Terry Real, an expert in relationship languages, says, “There is nothing that harshness can do that cannot be done better with loving firmness.” This understanding prompts us to reflect on our own emotional language and its impact on our relationships, fostering a sense of introspection and contemplation.
4. Conflict Resolution Language
The methods by which we, as children, see our family members resolve conflicts and disagreements tend to become how we manage conflict in adult relationships. Ellyn Bader, founder of the Couples Institute, discusses the importance of understanding your developmental journey in her Developmental Model. Once Clients allow themselves to unpack how they learned the language (whether through OBSERVING how the parent/caregiver handled conflict with others, being ALLOWED by the parent/caregiver to handle conflict in a particular way (enablement), or the parent/caregiver handling conflict WITH them in this way), the Client eventually has a moment of enlightenment and realizes they learned the conflict language at some point in childhood. After the Client becomes aware of the language, they can intentionally learn a more relational conflict language involving compassion and kindness. The critical FIRST STEP is always learning to be more kind and compassionate to YOURSELF. My husband tells me I am more gentle with my grandkids. It is because I have learned how to be more gentle with MYSELF. For example, my past lifestyle aligned more with the belief, ‘Stay up until the job is done.’ I have shifted to a kinder belief, ‘The job is done better when I’m rested.’ My mom taught us to work hard, but it can be unhealthy when working hard becomes entangled in one’s self-identity.
Unraveling The Intriguing Role of Mirror Neurons in Learning
This concept of how we learn languages in our Family of Origin is rooted in the scientific terminology of mirror neurons. In a 2019 article in Psychology Today, Aldi Jaffee, Ph.D. says this about mirror neurons, “These cells allow us to learn through imitation so that we respond not only to our own internal states or environmental stimuli but to the actions, movements, and emotional states of other people.” A Look in the Mirror Neuron: Empathy and Addiction | Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-addiction/201907/a-look-in-the-mirror-neuron-empathy-and-addiction) According to Dr. Jim Hurley, founder of the RTS Counseling Center, said, “What fires together wires together.”—meaning if you see an action or attitude, you are prone to mimic it.
Mirror neurons play a key role in whether we feel attended to or neglected as we learn family languages. This mirroring can foster emotional connection, safety, and understanding when approaching or disconnecting, presenting as emotionally distant and superior.
The languages learned in the family of origin have a profound and lasting impact on adult relationships. (The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Adult Relationships – Just Kindness. https://justkindnes.com/the-impact-of-childhood-trauma-on-adult-relationships/) These early lessons shape how we interact with others, from verbal and nonverbal communication to emotional connection. The role of mirror neurons in language and emotional mirroring further underscores the importance of the family environment in developing healthy communication skills integrated with compassion and kindness. ( Schiavio, Andrea, et al., “Report of the International Summer School of Musical Understanding. Philosophical, Psychological, and Neuroscientific Approaches (University of Sheffield, July 8-11, 2013).” Psychomusicology, vol. 24, no. 1, 2014, pp. 109-113.)
In conclusion, understanding the influence of the family of origin in our relationships is crucial for personal growth and relationship improvement. By recognizing and addressing the patterns learned in childhood, we can foster healthier and more compassionate connections with ourselves and others.
If you need help understanding how your Family of Origin might be impacting your adult relationships, do not hesitate to contact Julia Henderson at LifeWorks Counseling at 601-790-0583.
